We had been waiting in the waiting room for nearly 45 minutes when we were finally called back to see what we were so curious to know.
Were we going to have a boy or a girl?
The ultrasound technician worked with precision and speed as she clicked away, capturing all the measurements she needed of your tiny, yet intricate body. You had grown from an inch at our first ultrasound to a pound and three ounces by this day.
You are, indeed, "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14).
Your dad and I watched in awe as we saw your bones, heart, brain, and tiny hands that I already can hardly wait to hold. Your dad had many questions for the technician, and she was very helpful to answer all of them. I watched with tears, overwhelmed that all of that was going on inside my body.
God is "knitting" you together (Psalm 139:13). Wow!
When I am nervous or anxious about motherhood, I am reminded that God is holding you in His hands and has been intimately involved in your life from the beginning. For in Him we "live and move and have our being" (Acts 17.28).
At long last, the technician showed us proof of your gender. That was the moment we knew we were having a son.
With that discovery came so much excitement! We would have been excited either way, boy or girl, but there was joy in knowing that you were healthy and active and that you were and are a little boy.
Excitement was not the only emotion I was feeling. When your dad and I got back in the car after the appointment, we just looked at each other with big smiles on our faces, and I said, "That's terrifying." I don't think he was expecting that response from me in that moment. My smile seemed to suggest otherwise.
I told him, though, that I didn't have experience at all with little boys. I have one sister. I didn't watch my parents raise a boy, and I didn't really babysit any baby boys either. The truth is, in you God is giving me something for which I feel the least experienced to raise. Reassuring, isn't it? But God is faithful. He knows everything, and He's going to be your dad's and my partner in parenting. Over and over and over in Scripture He says we are not alone.
While there has been plenty of day dreaming about all that I look forward to after you're born, there have also been questions that have surfaced in my mind. One in this: How do we raise a son in a culture that associates masculinity with toxicity?
There is an underlying idea in our society that masculinity is toxic. Unfortunately, men have gone before you who have perpetuated this idea by how they have lived. TV shows and other media forms have portrayed the American male as goofy or clueless, greedy or condescending. Either he is weak and passive or he is brash and rude. It's rare to find an exception to this, and the Feminist movement feeds off of it. Many people have been wounded or impacted personally by men who have acted carelessly or not at all. This is a sad reality for many. Young men often don't have positive role models of what masculinity looks like as it pertains to the many roles of a man, be it a son, brother, boyfriend, husband, father, or friend. What they have seen portrayed and what they have experienced is toxic. I don't deny the gravity of that.
But the idea that masculinity in general is toxic is being championed by a society that obsesses over sexuality but denies the reality of sin. 1 John 1:8 says, "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." As I've thought through this in preparation for being your mama, I want you to know this: The only thing toxic in you (and me) is sin. Masculinity in and of itself, is not toxic. In fact, masculinity as designed by God is a powerful, influential thing. After God made man, he said it was "very good." A man submitted to God and devoted to God can do much good in this world. Women are not moral just by being women. Men are not immoral by being men. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). The remedy for "toxic masculinity" is not removing the masculinity but recognizing and submitting to Jesus who conquered the sin that has so many men and women in bondage.
As I write this, this sin nature already applies to you. David said, "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me" (Psalm 51:5). You'll show evidence of this early on. I'm not going to have to teach you to defy me - one of your first authority figures in life. You're going to disobey without being taught how. Parents everywhere can testify to this.
Not only is sin real, but "the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23a). Because of our sin, we deserve eternal punishment and separation from God because He is completely holy.
BUT there is HOPE for you, my son, just like there's hope for me. As Charles Spurgeon said, "I have a great need for Christ: I have a great Christ for my need."
John 3:16 says that "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." That's good news. God loved us too much to leave us without a Rescuer. Jesus is our only lasting hope in this world, and the One who has already conquered sin on our behalf. Romans 5:8 says this, "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Jesus came, lived a sinless life, died a death we deserved, and was raised to life again three days after his crucifixion. Romans 10:9 says "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." This gift of salvation is a matchless gift and one that I pray you accept at a young age. God through Christ is the only one powerful enough to cleanse us from our sin, set us free from the law of sin and death, and grant us eternal life with Him.
This good news is the gospel. It's simple enough that a child can understand it and respond and yet deep enough that theologians, philosophers, and teachers with brilliant minds can spend a lifetime learning and never knowing all there is to know of this Jesus. St. Jerome said it like this, "The Scriptures are shallow enough for a babe to come and drink without fear of drowning and deep enough for theologians to swim in without ever touching the bottom."
I was seven when I first understood that I was a sinner in need of God's grace. God pursued my heart, I confessed and believed. His grace was applied to me, and He's been a great and gracious Shepherd throughout my life. While I battle sin this side of heaven, the war has been won through Christ, and by His power I can deny my sinful nature and choose not to give in to temptation. Life is an adventure with Him, son, and death is not the end.
God's seeing fit that your father and I would be some of the first to welcome you in this world. We are excited to meet you! When I hear people say things like, "Are you sure you want to bring a baby into this mess of a world?" I can say with confidence, "Yes!" I want you to experience life, because I know there is One through whom we can have "life to the full" regardless of circumstances, and I pray even now that you decide to surrender your life to Him and follow Him with each breath He gives you. God sent His only Son into this world (John 3:16). That is why I can bring you into this messy world. There is One who has gone before you who has given us hope and provided a way out of toxic masculinity, providing an example of what it truly means to be a man.
Study Him, son.
Emulate Him.
He has a plan for you and made you a man for a reason.
I'm going to cheer you on as you live out that plan.
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